Current mood:

contemplative

Long Time, No Write
Hey Everyone.

I know it's been a good long time since I've written anything here. A lot has happened to me since 2001, obviously. There are a lot of thoughts running through my head right now. I thought this might help me make more sense of them, make them sound more coherent, both for myself and for all the people I know.

I guess the first major thing I want to talk about is that my Grandma passed on. And I've finally come to terms with that. The words were hard to find, the things I wanted to say never seemed to come out quite right. I must admit, it was hard to talk with anyone, anyone at all about what happened, and why I felt the way I did. It was just about impossible to let people know that the reason I always looked so drained, and tired, and was so lethargic was the weight of working through this.

But I want everyone to know, I never wanted to make anyone sad, which made it all the more difficult. Maybe I could have shared this more, maybe I couldn't have, but I knew I needed to work through it.

So here goes my thoughts.

My Grandma, Lois Lillien Powers.

My Grandma was a wonderful lady. Not perfect, by any stretch, but wonderful nonetheless. And she was my Grandma. She was always there for me, for any of her children, for anyone in her family. She was quite possibly the most giving and accepting person that I've ever known.
Grandma had this extraordinary way of looking at the world, and letting you see it, and experience it. She could look at the worst things in the world and find the best things in it. Out of anyone I know, I can say without reservation that she was a truly good person. She took in the unwanted, the unloved, and made them feel loved, wanted, and needed. With a few soft, kind words, Grandma could put a difficult situation into perspective. Certianly not the wisdom of Solomon, but the wisdom of a kind-hearted old woman who had lived a lot of life.

There are many lessons that I've learned from her. There are many parts of her that have colored my life. She taught me to cook and to enjoy good food. There's nothing quite like her cold fried chicken and sweet tea on a warm summer day.

She taught me the simple pleasures of a good book, and always encouraged me to read and explore and figure out things in the world around me. She encouraged me to love science. She saved to buy me a telescope when I was eight so I could watch Halley's Comet go by. I wanted to see the cells in a piece of lettuce, so she got me a microscope next birthday. She would take me by the church yardsales in Bonanza to buy the next volumes of Funk and Wagnalls science books, which I read voraciously, and paid for with my tiny allowance from clearing the weeds from the gardens around. My love of science, my belief that there is nothing I can't figure out, was most definitely shaped and nurtured by her.

I could write a novel, I'm sure, about what my Grandma did for me, and what she meant to me. But I'm sure that you all know. If you don't, I'll be glad to talk about her and tell you.

But I can say without reservation that the loss of my Grandma was a great one.

Of course it is, and that yes, she is no longer in the world, but that does not mean that my life is diminished because she is gone. Her legacy will carry on through the world. The lives she touched, the way she helped shape mine. She is not gone, she lives within everyone who shared her life, and above all, she lives on within my heart and memories. And I don't think she would have had it any other way.

My Grandma will always be with me. She was my parent, my guardian, my teacher. Quite simply, she was my Grandma.

I realize now that the details of it are no longer important.

I realize that the time I got to spend with her before she passed out of this world was a precious gift. Not many people get the opprotunity to be completely honest about how they feel with someone. Not many people get the chance to tell a person that made an extraordinary difference, who was instrumental in making them the person that they are, how they did that, and what it meant to them. I never got to say everything I needed to, or wanted to, and neither did she, but that is completly ok.

What I did get to tell her that she was the best parent I could have ever asked for. I got to hold her hand late at night when she felt alone. I got to take her around to the fair, I got to take her to see old houses in Langell Valley. I got to spend time with her, making whatever wish I could of hers come true.

But most of all, I got to be there for her like she was for me. I felt I got one last chance to let her know that she made a difference in the world, that the world was better for having had her in it.

It took a lot of thought, a lot of sadness, a lot of grief, to come to this realization. It wasn't easy, but I needed to do it. I feel like I put my life on hold, to come to this realization, and in many ways, I feel like that was a mistake, but I needed to do this.

I feel now that I can talk about all these things, I can talk about how I felt, and how I feel now.

It's odd. I feel like I've awakened from a long slumber, and there are a lot of new thoughts running through my head. Maybe I'll find the words to post more.

For now, I'll just thank you for reading.